2006-05-01T04:04:00.000-07:00

05.01.06
(written 05.04.06--12:54 p.m.)

i'm still eating and drinking
last night's food shopping
that sent my bank balance to a buck-fifty
double-stuff oreos
with diabetes they go
so well when i lick the creme

05.02.06
(written 05.04.06--1:05 p.m.)

i like when the people i want to invite to perform
after inviting no one as yet
are the ones i invite
the ones whosay yes
plan come together
alright.

05.03.06
(written 05.04.06--1:18 p.m.)

you're an avenue away
and it's the longest one yet
because even a room is
most times

05.04.06
(written 05.07.06—6:42 p.m.)

during the coverage of
mike metzger’s attempt to jump and backflip
over the caesar’s palace fountains
they discussed the first attempt
to leap over the fountains
sans backflip
by evel knievel on new year’s day 1968
showing the footage of
his wipeout upon landing
that resulted
in “a crushed pelvis and femur,
fractures to his hip, wrist, and both ankles,
and a concussion that kept him in a coma for 29 days”
saying that director john derek was shooting the takeoff
while he had given a movie camera to his then wife, actress linda evans,
to film the landing.

05.05.06
(written 05.15.06—2:55 a.m.)

out of a med
i go and fill the scrip
it’s really not as simple as this
’cause it’s easy to say one day won’t matter
and wait ’til the day you must leave yr home
but out of a med
i go and fill the scrip
because maybe it’s just as simple as this

05.06.06--10:03 a.m.
(and 05.07.06—5:50 p.m.)

it’s the 132nd run for the roses today
the kentucky derby
when candace and i went
it was 11 years ago,
so that makes that the 121st
i had friends in louisville
who i'd visited the previous fall
for an insomniacathon,
a 72-hour non-stop poetry and music event

this time,
may of 1995,
there was another poetry and music event happening
being organized by this woman wendy i’d met
and my friend kent and his girlfriend laura
offered to give candace and me laura’s apartment
for derby weekend
and kent was hooking candace and me up with readings through wendy
for 75 bucks a piece,
and then we booked usair
because they had been crashing
and the flights were much cheaper

i’d been working part time at a local boys club
that much is true

i was on prescription cold meds
and a bit out of it
when we got there

i just wanted to stay in the apartment,
part to be with my girlfriend
(but i lived with her
so that couldn’t have been it).
it might’ve been,
ok it was,
the depression that followed the mania
that kept me kentucky inside,
and when no reading happened
i was pissed about the money
but kinda happy

we left the apartment
to walk a few blocks and see the derby,
because even i wasn’t that weak,
past people who rented their lawns
as temporary parking spots
with no discounts.
as for us,
for 20 bucks we’d be with the rest of the commonwealth’s commoners
on the infield.

on the way we placed our bets,
hours before race time,
and my mom’s bet, too,
(see she and i have bet on the derby since i was a kid,
i’m getting ready to call her now,
to review today’s 20-horse field)

and then candace and i went to a stand and bought two mint juleps
poured into these neat frosted souvenir glasses listing all the previous winners
(i remember when candace and i would first split up,
me feeling bad about leaving her glass alone as i took mine with me)
but the thing was,
i wouldn’t drink my mint julep because of my cold meds,
though now i’ll have the occasional
with my lithium

we lost kent for a minute as we entered the infield,
this appearance of spring break
inside a horse track’s oval
louder than raucous,
the only place i ever heard the chant
“show us your tits”

soon after we found kent
and candace took this picture of us
his head leaning down onto my right shoulder
that’s still one of my favorite photographs to this day.

i’ve always had fair skin and a hatred of the sun
and that first saturday afternoon in may was killing me,
but there was no place on the infield to go for shade.
then we noticed a cluster of bushes
that were planted so they provided covering within themselves,
and candace and i crouched into the bushes,
and, sure enough, there was another couple already in there cooling off

we waited until a few moments before race time
to emerge from the bushes and figure out where we were going to stand,
and a few minutes later the horses a cloud by us.

thunder gulch won
and, wouldn’t ya know it,
my mom picked him,
only I placed her bet wrong,
something about confusing the number to bet on because of a teamed entry
(at least dad got it right for her at the otb back in new york).

05.07.06
(written 05.15.06—3:04 a.m.)

it was the first game this season
that i sold my mets tickets
and jordan and someone else are there now
while i’m watching it from my bed
and i’m happy I have the tickets money to use
and i’m not missing the going to the game
and the mets end up losing real bad to the braves
but all around are these swell bizarre plays

05.08.06
(written 05.15.06—3:12 a.m.)

simon didn’t marry rose on the last seventh heaven
my doctor said the diabetes is fine, it’s the weight he’s worried about
it looks like haylie duff’s character is telling simon under the music that she’s carrying his baby

05.09.06-11:18 a.m.

(sing)

if all you do is watch the tv
then what is it that you will become
an unknown quantity of unknown quality
and just a bit humdrum

if the phone rings and no matter what time it is
there's something on that you'd rather watch
than talk to the friend or family member
who wants to include you
who wants to include you

listen to yourself, feelings on the shelf
(damn what a horrible line)
(such a fucking horrible line)

05.10.06
(written 05.15.06—3:56 a.m.)

(sing)

i call her
when we talk we talk a lot
easy, it always is

but each time
wonder when we’ll talk again
when we’ll with each other write

05.11.06
(written 05.15.06—3:17 a.m.)

grab that days pills out of the seven-day clear plastic case
to put the bed the portable yellow case
and there’s only half-a-day’s dose of lithium left
but i don’t wanna leave my home
i’ll be leaving it in two days
i’ve enough lithium for two days without
yeah

05.12.06
(written 05.15.06—3:23 a.m.)

i make onion dip for the rest of the chips and pretzels
and it looks like I made too much
but at the end the bowls almost cleaned by the chip and pretzel
and then finished by my right pointer

05.13.06
(written 05.15.06—3:25 a.m.)

so i got my meds
and went to the green party straw poll
they made me feel sane
a coupla of half-bent half-baked political wannabees
surrounded by a room full of candidates who don’t tell me why to
spend my vote on a candidate sure to lose
walk back to my apartment to get some clothes for uncle murray’s funeral

05.14.06
(written 05.15.06—3:30 a.m.)

as we were leaving the condolence call
after they buried my father’s uncle murray,
the last of my father’s father’s five brothers and sisters
my dad grabbed uncle murray’s son jay’s hand tight,
pulled him in closely,
and looked him strong in the eye.
“he was my hero you, know.”

05.15.06-2:33 p.m.

(sing)

doc says
my numbers are alright,
i'm on
a diabetes holiday
my folks fridge
filled with juices
i'm on a diabetes holiday
first a 22-ounce sabbath grape juice bottle
snuck in the kitchen by the microwave
six ounces at a time
then just now tropicana orange juice,
there's no pulp
just the way i like it,
i'm on a diabetes holiday.
my right foot tingles,
don't cut it off,
’cause i'm on
a diabetes holiday
drink with me
and eat with me
anything you want
diabetes holiday
sing with me
more juice with me.
oh, yes,
it's a diabetes holiday

05.16.06
(written 05.17.06—2:03 p.m.)

things you learn while watching american idol with your dad after making a condolence call for my late great uncle murray who almost made the brooklyn dodgers during an ebbets field tryout just before he earned a silver star and a purple heart in the army in world war II:

Billy Preston, the fifth Beatle, the man most prominently known as the fifth Beatle among all other Fifth Beatles, wrote You Are So Beautiful. (well, co-wrote, the internet says, with someone we don't know.)

05.17.06
(written 05.18.06—12:39 a.m.)

(sing)

and i'm in love with aspartame
and soon they'll say it will kill me,
just like sacharrin before it
and before that it was cyclamate
(see, i'm the son of a sodaman)

but i'm in love with aspartame,
now before bed
crystal light raspberry iced tea,
which as i keep drinking
will make me have to pee

but i'm in love with aspartame
and i'll pee through the night
to prove i'm true
i'm in love with aspartame,
and i'll do most anything it says to do

05.18.06
(written 05.20.06—8:30 a.m.)

i think tv people need to consult me
when they're planning on filming their last episodes
like the will and grace series finale tonight
haven't these people learned anything
a finale is supposed to be a regular episode
though you'e tempted to tie up everything
don't
though you're tempted to show us their futures
don't
though you're tempted to produce some wacky, contrived, out of character storyline
don't
because a finale is supposed to be a regular episode
that is what it is supposed to be.

05.19.06—12:30 p.m.

i'm not getting back on the medicaid line,
nine people in front of me
it takes so long
i just wanted to drop off the paperwork
so i'd keep getting my lithium and the works
but the man at the door said
line four.
i walked off the line
and asked if i could drop it off
and now there are 10 in front of me.

05.20.06--9:55 a.m.

i'm thinking of keeping a crying log
starting today with the end of hardball
that pic where keanu reeves
is forced to coach an inner city baseball team
to help repay a gambling debt
a sort of emilio estevez in the mighty ducks star turn
who was caught drunk driving
and sentenced by the court to coach a youth ice hockey team
only all of the ducks were white
until kenan thompson turned up in l.a. in the first sequel
with a mean slapshot from just inside his opponent's blue line
that he called the knuckle puck

05.21.06
(written 05.25.06—5:40 p.m.)

meet dad in forest hills
so we can go to yankees-mets game together
dad worries that we shouldn't eat at the t-bone diner,
that it'll take too much time
and we'll get caught in ballpark traffic
so he calls me on my cell
and says why not pizza instead,
and i call my sister
whose town this once was
to remember where the good pizza place is
and dad gets caught in local traffic
some sorta street fair shutting down Austin street,
and we drive queens blvd.
passing a pizzeria we don’t know
looking for a pizzeria my dad remembers in the neighborhood,
but it’s not there,
turning onto Austin street,
hoping the pizza place my sis suggested
comes before the barricades the police erected
it doesn’t
so we drive back down queens blvd.
stop at the first pizza place we see
grab a two-liter diet coke and two cups
at the bodega next door,
and eat in the car,
dad a slice and a half
me a sicilian and the other half,
before we grand central parkway drive
the wrong, then the right, way to shea stadium.

05.22.06
(written 05.25.06—6:04 p.m.)

the new shoes my folks just bought me
for my niece michelle’s bat mitzvah
are size 14 wide
up from 13 wide
up from my once usual 12 regular
the extra weight providing me with extra shoe.

05.23.06—2ish p.m.)

(dream)

toy in van
driving by your high school
i tell rachel a. i’m going to town
and she wants snow salt or scraper
to my chester the molester comments

05.24.06
(written 05.25.06—6:45 p.m.)

i’d rather talk to someone who i don’t know
and imagine someone else i want
than see moving pictures
that don’t move me at all
i think i’m gonna go now,
i really got to go now.

05.25.06
(written 05.28.06—5:53 p.m.)

i know i’m not paying you
but you went in knowing that
so can you please do your damn job
ok?

05.26.06
(written 05.28.06—5:53 p.m.)

(sing)

nothing’s on tv in the summer
just some reruns, some old movies, and lots of sports,
thank G-d that i’m a met fan
so for six months there’s always something
for me to watch

05.27.06
(written 05.28.06—5:53 p.m.)

i called to tell my sister nothing
one of the many nothing calls we make each day
a perfunctory hello to her husband
who passes the phone to my niece michelle
she mentions she has friends over still for her birthday
then passes the phone to her mom so she can play with them
i yell a happy birthday,
well i forgot
but at least her present’s already on the way.

05.28.06—12:33 p.m.

(dream)

back in school after missing a semester
i’m in registration area
and copy syllabus for one class from the professor
a kid then keeps asking me questions there,
i point at the professor and say
i just copied this all from him

after class i’m all excited
saying no more classes,
get me out of this place,
then i realize i have one more class
and slow up and ask jennifer fogler where it is,
she’s telling me,
then telling me a story about making friends at school,
then a girl in hockey gear
criss-crosses us
and she stats talking to her.

at class the professor asks about us
and mentions to me,
“you were off last semester, right?”
i was, i tell him,
and then i go into a diatribe
on how my divestment and student newspaper work
should count for credit,
that i contributed something to school, unlike most.

on the desks are big circular, clear background,
but with red, white, and blue printing on them
free hawaiian punch stickers,
that say “free to”
and then you write the name
after free to.
every sticker has sander hicks’ name written on it.

when i leave i’m talking to kara sissell from chemical week
and after i take care of one,
she unwinds the other strand of christmas lights
that were warming up my body,
while i say,
“so much nicer to be able to look into the eyes of a pretty girl while these lights are removed.”
i mention eddie berrigan in some context,
and she says he and andrew are coming over,
and i mutter, “oh to be manic-depressive.”

when i exit the building
we’re in the driveway of automotive shops.
kara and the unnamed girl with her
walk a little bit ahead of me,
and there’s a flash of light
and i see the image of dawson’s creek’s joshua jackson projected.
i tell them this,
all freaked out,
before i realize the image is from a faded garage door
that had past celebrity customers painted upon it.

05.29.06
(written 05.31.06—5:22 p.m.)

my niece michelle is being bat mitzvahed in12 days
my brother-in-law tells my sister
that my mothers’s going to end up dying
and fuck up the whole bat mitzvah

05.30.06
(written 05.31.06—5:24 p.m.)

off three hours sleep
wake up at 5:30 to pee
call my folks to wish my dad a happy 76th
he’s half-asleep
not quite up for work yet
mom says in the background to call back later

05.31.06—5:26 p.m.

called to renew my four scrips
told the pharmacist
“i’m not sure if i still have my medicaid.
i just refiled my renewal paperwork.”

“give me one prescription number and we’ll see,” she says.

i give her lithium, ’cause it’s my favorite.
a minute later she tells me it went through.

The May Project 2006